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January 29, 2014
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She held an aquamarine crayon
in between her chubby little fingers
Her small hand swallowed it
A glow enveloped her cyan eyes,
like firecrackers on the Fourth of July
She scribbled wildly,
with no direction

She held a marigold pencil
in between her slim fingers-
no longer chubby, but she thought they were
Her collarbones smiled through her skin,
even though she did not
But she still doodled,
eating her mistakes

She held a ballpoint pen
in between her brittle bones-
they were supposed to be fingers
Her ribcage protruded like shelves at the market,
however held no food: only pain
But she still drew,
and devoured the ink

She was a starving artist,
and art was all she ate.
A pun on the term starving artist, with a dark undertone, I suppose. I have the ideas down, but I think the format and such could use tweaking! Advice please! :)
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:iconhoneywolfrin:
HoneyWolfRin Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2014
Wow. I really like it
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:icontangled-tales:
Tangled-Tales Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
THANK YOU! :D
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:iconrainbowdiva132:
rainbowdiva132 Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2014  Student Writer
Clapping Pony Icon - Complete Mane Six Clap 
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:icontangled-tales:
Tangled-Tales Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
That is a beautifil my little pony emoticon. ;)
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:iconrainbowdiva132:
rainbowdiva132 Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2014  Student Writer
Indeed it is.. Indeed.Never Luffy Anime Emoji (Sho Happy) [V3] Ribbon 01 
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:iconkissysaltcoatedangel:
kissysaltcoatedangel Featured By Owner May 18, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
...and art was all she ate! ~ chills! :heart:
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:icontangled-tales:
Tangled-Tales Featured By Owner May 18, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
>.< That was the poin, heeee hee. :)
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:iconkissysaltcoatedangel:
kissysaltcoatedangel Featured By Owner May 19, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
hahahaha, well you were able to show it well! ^^ 
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:iconyonderness:
Yonderness Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
This was the first of your poems that I read. i have read many of your poems since then, and all are good, but I keep coming back to this one. This is the one that sticks with me. 
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:icontangled-tales:
Tangled-Tales Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Awww thanks! Glad it left an impact! :)
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:iconmsgeeknerd:
MsGeekNerd Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Metaphorically it was great but it also described an artist struggling with teenage depression and anorexia. Very good 
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:icontangled-tales:
Tangled-Tales Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Yayaya! Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it! <3
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:iconmsgeeknerd:
MsGeekNerd Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome I'm glad you wrote it.
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:iconzireael07:
Zireael07 Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
This is brilliant!
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:icontangled-tales:
Tangled-Tales Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
THANK YOU! :)
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:icondirewolfwere:
DireWolfwere Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Damn. That ending is perfect. I can take this both as a  literal way (her body withers away from her art, or other things artists struggle with like drug addiction or possible she got a disease) or it can be more metaphorical saying how the body loses meaning as you obsess over art. I think you could work with the first stanza a bit more, it's almost too direct or something. The use of the word small in the 3rd line is bothering me because we know the hand is small by the little fingers description and after saying the hand is small, you say it swallowed the crayon which is a bit of a contradiction. "Her hand swallowed it" would probably read better. The description of her eyes as cyan also don't seem to be necessary since she isn't described anywhere else in the poem (other than the obvious necessary parts about aging and starving). "She scribbled wildly, with no direction" I don't like the "with no direction" and scribbled wildly might be better as scribbled freely (a child may seem wild, but a major part about being a child is how free you are). The no direction part is bothering me because that's how adults see children, but children see themselves as having a direction. You could say something about her being fascinated with the colors or the power of being able to make marks on the paper, marks that are all her own.
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:icontangled-tales:
Tangled-Tales Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Ahhhhh okay okay, thanks!! Thanks for all the suggestions! And mkay, I shall work on rearrangement and rewording! :)
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:icondirewolfwere:
DireWolfwere Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I did really like this poem<3
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:iconyunlinger:
Yunlinger Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2014
wauw, nice poem, love it :) 
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:icontangled-tales:
Tangled-Tales Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! :D
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:iconyunlinger:
Yunlinger Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2014
U're welcome, :)
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:iconsidni-bd:
Sidni-BD Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
I dub thee my new idol and insoiration.
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:icontangled-tales:
Tangled-Tales Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Awww, thank you so much!! :)
Reply
:icontherianlight:
therianlight Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
This is so amazing and beautiful and I love it. Especially the descriptive colors!
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:icontangled-tales:
Tangled-Tales Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Why thank you! <3 :)
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:iconhecticharmony:
HecticHarmony Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
This is amazing. I could see the picture in my mind. You are a lovely poet. 
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:icontangled-tales:
Tangled-Tales Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
THANKS! :) So lovely to hear you enjoyed it!
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:iconfindingwhatslost:
FindingWhatsLost Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2014  Hobbyist
I love the pictures you paint with this poem.  The imagery is stunning yet a little bit scary.  Beautiful work.  The only par of this that I would consider revising is like firecrackers on the Fourth of July.  That like just seem a little cliché, when the rest of the poem is like nothing I've ever read before. Ummm... So ya that was it.  Great job! :D (Big Grin) 
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:icontangled-tales:
Tangled-Tales Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! And yes, I agree the comparison is a bit trite. I'll need to brainstorm.
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:iconfindingwhatslost:
FindingWhatsLost Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2014  Hobbyist
Yep no problem.  :) (Smile) 
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:iconnortstar:
Nortstar Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2014
that was interesting
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:icontangled-tales:
Tangled-Tales Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Uhmmm... Thanks? :) heeheh
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:iconnortstar:
Nortstar Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2014
you are welcome :hug:
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:iconwolfloversas:
wolfloversas Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh my. The imagery in this is eery. :) I like it though, seeing as you made it in such a way I could picture all of it happening.
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:icontangled-tales:
Tangled-Tales Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Awww thank you! Glad to hear! It does have quite the dark undertone with the wordplay. >.<
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:iconwolfloversas:
wolfloversas Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
:nod: How'd you come up with the idea for this? :?
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:icontangled-tales:
Tangled-Tales Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Uhhmm, I read a poem that had the word crayon in it, then started thinking about my days as I child, where I would draw with crayons. I wrote the first few lines of the first stanza. When I wrote the word chubby, I thought about having an artist that was decaying, and then the term starving artist popped into my head, allowing me to progress the poem, using wordplay, into what it became! :)
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:iconwolfloversas:
wolfloversas Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Oooh, that's pretty nice. :D Don't you love how ideas evolve and jump all about to land on something completely different and unique? :)
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:icontangled-tales:
Tangled-Tales Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
YESSSS! :)
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:iconwolfloversas:
wolfloversas Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
:D
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:iconcomplexicon:
CompLexicon Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Excellent pattern and consistency. I loved the clear, simple, and gorgeous progression of the story being told.

You did a few things very well here:
1. You didn't tie yourself down by trying to rhyme, you let the words have impact all on their own. Very natural.
2. I adored the changing/evolving of certain keywords with each stanza . (Scribbled->doodled->drew) and (Chubby->slim->brittle.)
3. Not sure if this was intentional but your syllable counts were very nice. I counted out and graphed the syllable curves, the results were very nice, smooth curves.

My only minor suggestion would be for lines 18-19.

"Her ribcage protruded like shelves at the market, (12 syllables)
however held no food: only pain" (9 syllables)

If you dropped a couple syllables on 18 or added some to 19 it might sound a little smoother. The sudden drop of 3 syllables felt awkward to me.
Then again, I could be reading the poem wrong. I didn't write it.

It was also very clever what you did at the end of stanza 3. In the first two, you ended each with a minimum number of syllables (the lowest count of that entire stanza.) This gave them the nice feeling of winding down, a sort of "decrescendo." But on the 3rd stanza leading up the the end, you gave a tiny jump -instead- up to 6 syllables. This let the reader know that you were going for a special ending. You weren't just going to be lazy and end the poem. It gave just the perfect little build-up for those fantastic final two lines.

Great work! I sincerely look forward to browsing more of your poetry. Much more.
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:icontangled-tales:
Tangled-Tales Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
THANK YOU SO MUCH. :) The in-depth comment was so nice! I will consider the comment you made, as well, about 18/19! I'll think about what I want to change it too! :D
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:iconangelamphetamine:
AngelAmphetamine Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I absolutely love this.
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:icontangled-tales:
Tangled-Tales Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! <3
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:iconphatbear1400:
Phatbear1400 Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
That is very well written, good job.
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:icontangled-tales:
Tangled-Tales Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
THANK YOU! So glad you think so! :)
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:iconmckinleywiens:
McKinleyWiens Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2014  Student Writer
Beautiful piece! I wish I could be this devoted to my art. If I could live off of my writing I would be a very happy man. Beautiful. Grim, but beautiful.
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:icontangled-tales:
Tangled-Tales Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! I didn't realize how much the dark undertones come through until I finished it!
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:iconpolkadottedcoffeemug:
PolkaDottedCoffeeMug Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2014  Student General Artist
Wow that was really good!
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:icontangled-tales:
Tangled-Tales Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
THANKS! <3
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